Stickler For The Rules
So guys, about Christmas…
Just kidding. We’re strictly no longer discussing Christmas after last time (see Christmas Gimp Fest).
It’s January now and apparently it’s a time of abstinence; there’s dry Jan, vegan-uary and I hear now they’ve even started no-workplace-harassment January.
The dullness of the year’s start makes me wonder why we all even got so excited about celebrating the new year in the first place. It’s why my wife hates her January birthday and conversely why I love it. Her birthday is the light in the darkness (oh light of my life!) and a much needed excuse to recommence the party.
Assuming anyone turns up that is. So frail is the average Brit’s commitment to dry Jan that we hear they’d rather hole themselves up inside for a month than face even a whiff of temptation.
Or its just that these friends don’t like us and have finally found a convenient excuse to not come.
Though in my chastising of the party-poopers, I hope you are not suspecting I may be this dark hour’s hero of hedonism. The truth is that I too abstain. I am - in fact - currently experimenting with “VB6.”
Unfortunately this does not refer to me dabbling with some novel hallucinogenic or neither to me starting a boyband. It is actually something far more mundane;
Vegan Before 6 (…pm)
Yes you worked it out; the rule is that you are constrained to eating plants each day until 6pm. Then you may do as you please.
Now before you assume that this is some unbelievably entitled paradigm touted by self-optimisation obsessed Silicon Valley douchebags, just know that, yes; this is absolutely the case.
I even learnt about it from a Google keynote talk I watched on youtube. The speaker is eminent American food writer Mark Bittman whose accompanying cookbook The VB6 Cookbook starts with the proclamation:
“I’ve been telling the story of VB6 for seven years now, sometimes ten times in a day. I never tire of it”
I’d be tempted to mention to Mark that - at ten times a day - perhaps it’s not him that he should worry could tire of it.
If you continue reading, you will learn that the diet has numerable health and fitness benefits, which is handy as the additional stamina will aid greatly in your transformation to becoming tirelessly unbearable.
I kid. Mark is of course an OG (original gangsta - for the old-timers that follow me) and I do believe VB6 to be a good thing - as evidenced in my current following of it. Yet it was not he who eventually turned me to the idea, it was instead the result of having recently watched a film with an environmental agenda.
Don’t Look Up tells the tale of two scientists who discover an asteroid that is about to destroy all life on Earth and how no-one listens to their findings, making a rather opaque analogy with the climate crisis.
Despite its lazy writing, it still managed to motivate me and my wife to do something good for the environment. This intent boiled down to - as it always does - the idea of taking less flights and eating less meat. Jane announced that she would like us to go back to being vegan, and me, thinking to the sizeable piece of leftover C-word* jamón in the fridge and the Italian meatballs in the freezer, remembered Bittman and VB6 and used it as a bargaining chip.
*(C-word being Christmas, not cunt, there’s no such thing as a cunt jamón - I think)
“Yes, VB6, that sounds good” she said. “Weekdays only,” I added. “Deal” she agreed.
phew, everyone sighs in relief
Now if I were the kind of food writer I aspire to be, I would have followed this diet religiously for the last weeks and could now present you with an awesome title like I followed VB6 for two weeks and you wouldn’t believe what it did to my body. However over the course of the last two weeks I actually only managed to adhere to the rule five times (Jane fared no better).
A failure made all the greater in my case when you consider I don’t even eat breakfast. So that’s just one meal a day that needed to be entirely plant based. It’s not that I strayed greatly from the path, it was just often almost subconsciously an anchovy might appear here or a bit of butter there.
On the times I played by the rules, I did however find a certain happiness. I realised that granola with oat milk, raisins and flaked almonds tasted good to me, I was forced not to snack on bullshit chocolate bars at the office, and I watched my weekly shop’s quantity of yoghurt fall substantially. It additionally made the idea of having a weeknight dinner of something with a little cheese seem like a treat (which it should be), rather than a compromise.
Yet compromise is the key word here. I find it tough. I spent years in Italy searching for the best of the best and as a result I’m not satisfied (I’m talking at the level of the soul here) with even a lesser quality grana padano, let alone one forged from coconut oil and nutritional yeast.
Yesterday I was again presented with the choice to compromise or indulge. I cycled under the sun for a quick worker’s lunch at The Canton Arms, hoping for a plate of hummus, bread, peppers and pickles. I however arrived cold to the bone and the sweet northern bar-woman said I’d need picking up and suggested a soup with a cheese toastie.
Ahh, a soup and a toastie, have sweeter words ever fallen upon cold ears? I faltered and ordered it. I thought it ok as we were only talking a little cheese here. OK, sure, and some salt pork in the bean and cavolo nero soup. Alright fine, and a steak in my beer. Actually wait, no steak in beer, bad Sam!
It was then as I was slurping my warming soup that none other than Fergus Henderson walked through the pub door. This is the man who championed “nose to tail” eating and who almost single handedly made offal more expensive than meat at most posh butchers. I saw him take his family outside for lunch with a pint of Guinness and consoled myself on my failure, thinking ‘well… he’s definitely not even thinking of doing VB6.’
Though you can of course eat meals made from only plants (AKA vegan meals, though I try to avoid the V-word as I find it quite unappetising) and do so without compromise. The trick lies in not trying to substitute the cheese with a coconut or the chicken with an enchanted boot, but instead embracing the vegetables for what they are, without insecurity.
Today’s offering is for four workhorse pastas that do not call for cheese or ham or anything beyond their simple presentation. These are the kind of things I’ve rustled up merrily for lunch when I’ve managed to be a stickler for the rules and even when I haven’t. This is quick and good stuff that you can have for lunch whether you too are catching the Bittman bug, or instead even if you’d just like to eat a little more vegetables, or indeed if you have no agenda at all - you, a rogue who refuses to conform to any paradigm the world conjures up - and instead are in it simply because you want something that nurtures the soul.
Pasta with tomatoes, capers & mint/oregano
We’ve covered in great depth every which way you can make tomato sauce (see Il Sugo), and this is going with the simplest and quickest version (and therefore the one I make most often in truth). Use mint in spring/summer and even fresh tomatoes if you can get good ones, and in the rainy winter instead find refuge in the pantry version using dried oregano. These herbs define the flavour and give a distinctive lift that the addition of cheese would only collide with.
Ingredients (for two)
200g spaghetti
70ml extra virgin olive oil (I just pour a nice little pool into the pan)
3/4 → 1 tin of peeled plum tomatoes (depends how saucy you like it)
1 clove of garlic
1 dried chilli
Heaped tablespoon of capers
Fresh mint/dried oregano
Heat the garlic and dried chilli in the oil on low heat and allow to sizzle verrrry gently for a few minutes. When the garlic takes on a little colour (going blond, not brown) add the tin of tomatoes (I personally put the tin of tomatoes through a mouli, but if you don’t have one or can’t be bothered, whole is fine too, just mash them with a back of a spoon as you go). Add the capers and allow it all to cook down on medium heat for roughly 10 minutes until the sauce is a deep red and has thickened and the oil has separated from the tomato. Cook the pasta in well salted water (3/4 tablespoon per litre) in the meantime and then drain mucho al dente (reserving some pasta water) and toss together in the pan with the sauce for a minute while still on the heat, adding some pasta water to adjust the consistency as you wish. A drizzle of extra oil at the end never hurt anyone.
Pasta e lenticchie
A bag of lentils has often saved my life and should always be at hand to feed your hungry selves or an army of impromptu visitors. Being the only pulse that does not require a pre-soak, it is the saviour to the disorganised and in the most ghastly of days where going outside to shop makes an unbearable prospect. The preparation time is minimal, but the cooking time is slightly longer so a little patience will be greatly rewarded here mes amis.
Ingredients (for two)
140g lentils (puy preferably, green or brown else-wise, not red)
140g short pasta (ditaloni, macaroni, conchiglie)
50ml extra virgin olive oil
half carrot, half onion, 1 stick celery
1 clove garlic
1 bay leaf
tomato paste (optional)
dried chilli (optional)
Pour the olive oil into the pan on low heat and sizzle the garlic and chilli (if using) in it as above. As that’s cooking, finely chop the celery, carrot and onion (but don’t go mental about how finely it is chopped) and add it all with the bay leaf. Turn the heat to medium and allow this to cook with a pinch of salt until it is softened and golden (about 10 minutes). If using the tomato paste, add a good tablespoon and turn the heat down and let cook for another few minutes so it gets to know the oil and vegetables. Add the lentils and boiling water to cover by an inch with a thick pinch of salt and let simmer for about 40 minutes until the lentils have softened but are not mush. At this point add the pasta to the pan with the lentils and cook together (adding more water if necessary, it may need quite a bit more, don’t be offput by this). Make sure the lentils are slightly saltier than you’d like them to be before adding the pasta as the pasta will take on some of this salt. When the pasta is very slightly more al dente than you’d like it, take the pan off the heat, put the lid on and give it the all important two minutes resting time. This gives the the pasta and lentils a chance to relax and collapse on the pan’s floor entwined after a lively dance on the fire. Drizzle (/pouring) of oil on the top is obligatory in this case.
Pasta al pesto di cavolo nero
If you’re on instagram in Autumn, you’ll see all the cool kids making pasta with cavolo nero. The frequency diminishes over the following months, but there will still be a steady drip throughout winter. Who can blame them? It’s such a pure affair and the vibrant green conjures a sense of freshness that seems impossibly placed in these ever bleaker Januaries.
Ingredients (for two)
200g pasta (any shape is good really)
150g cavolo nero
30g peeled almonds (a little handful)
1 peeled clove garlic
~50ml extra virgin olive oil
This is a pungent pesto so don’t be put off by the prospect of eating a whole clove of raw garlic. Strip the thick stems of the cavolo nero and boil in well salted water for three minutes. In the meantime, put the almonds and garlic in the food processor with the salt and blitz. Pull out the cavolo nero after 3 minutes (when it is tender but not yet entirely limp), keeping the boiling water on the hob, and run the cavolo nero under cold water for a little bit so the cooking process stops. Squeeze gently to drain a little of the water out. Add pasta in the same boiling water and cook until al dente. Mix the cavolo nero with the blitzed almonds and garlic and the olive oil and black pepper and blitz gently so that it makes a slightly textured pesto rather than a homogeneous paste. Drain the pasta, reserving a cup of pasta water. For the final step I like to use a nice big pan with lots of space; add the cavolo nero pesto and drained pasta to a mixing bowl (or large frying pan) and mix vigorously for a minute, adding pasta water too until it has the right consistency for you.
Pasta ai funghi secchi
Though execution time is rapid, some forsight is required in rehyrdrating the dried mushrooms. The organisational trick is to soak the mushrooms in hot water from the kettle when making your tea between the morning’s zoom calls. Today I used dried chanterelles, but dried porcini are arguably best, and any other options are entirely respectable. The wine, parsley, garlic and slightly gummy texture of the mushroom remind me of an alle vongole, and summons an extravagance to what is otherwise a store cupboard medley.
Ingredients
200g pasta (tagliatelle is best)
40g dried mushrooms
1 clove garlic (with 1 dried chilli - optional)
A bunch of parsley
1/2 glass of wine
70ml extra virgin olive oil
Soak the mushrooms in a cup of hot water for about 30 minutes, they should then be swollen and soft. Remove the mushrooms, squeezing them so the water inside goes back into the bowl with the soaking liquid, which retains a lot of the flavour and you should then reserve as mushroom stock.
Get water boiling for pasta as this can all be cooked in about the same time. Pour extra virgin olive oil into your frying pan to make a nice little pool and on medium heat and add the garlic clove whole (with the chilli) and cook until it has imbiondito (gone blonde). Add the chopped mushrooms and fry for a few minutes so that they take on a fried flavour. Add a half glass of wine with some salt and let simmer. When that has evaporated, add a ladle of your mushroom stock (and if that dries up, and another and so forth).
In the meantime boil the pasta and when it is mucho al dente, transfer the drained pasta (reserving cooking water of course) to the saucepan with the mushrooms. Add the chopped parsley and cook together for a minute still on medium heat, mixing vigorously and adding more pasta water if necessary.
As always, you want emulsion with emotion.
Thanks for VB6 which I accomplish most days having drifted toward it over the years - but I find it awkard to admit that without sounding a little righteous. But, now tagged by an acronym, I am on trend and hip....Understand your reluctance with the V word, what do you make of 'plant based'? Guessing the idea is to get to the point of just talking about specific dishes without reference to their genus.