Incel Minestrone
Taking These Things Seriously (Finally)
Two months ago a teenaged incel killed a 13 year old girl in the Netflix TV series Adolescence and I am glad to have seen the appropriate level of public reaction. The prime minister Kier Starmer has made statements about the killing and has even enacted policy to counter future ones, with free access to the show and its warnings being provided to schools across the UK.
While this response has divided people, I am quite delighted to see the world finally catch up to this sort of thing. I remember vividly growing up in the 90s amidst a spurt of equally heinous murders, which occurred with clockwork-like regularity over weekends. I remember how none were even mentioned once by those in power. They were left instead to be solved by ITV’s Hercule Poirot, while we willingly turned a blind eye to an epidemic of countryside manor based violence.
Similarly we have never paid due attention to the attempted nuclear holocausts launched by terrorist organisations across the eight Mission Impossible films. However this does make sense; we don’t have to worry about these things while Tom Cruise is protecting us.
I think a lot of us were watching Adolescence hoping that Tom Cruise would stop the murder. Unfortunately he is spending all his time fighting international terrorism rather than tackling toxic masculinity. Though then again international terrorism is likely an extreme case of toxic masculinity, so he is in fact prioritising correctly.
Tom Cruise doesn’t make mistakes.
Hercule Poirot is more free to aid us, though may not be of much help as this case is already closed. Jamie killed the girl, and he, along with the online manosophere, is to blame. Poirot’s diagnostic acumen may have however been more useful if being privy to the writing of the show:
Jack Thorne: We want to make a show about a teenaged boy killing a teenaged girl that the whole country should watch for its critical commentary.
Hercule Poirot: Interessant, tell me more.
Stephen Graham: Do you remember those 2 cases where boys killed girls with knives in the last five years?
Hercule Poirot: mais oui, a matter most terrible mes amis.
Stephen Graham: Well we want to make it about those murders, however the cause of the murders cannot be trauma from the parents, mental illness or be born from some history of violence.
Hercule Poirot: Ah so you want to explore gruesome teenaged murders, but also ignore the factors that invariably have been their cause?
Stephen Graham: Yes…
Jack Thorne: Yes. And again, everyone should watch it.
Some Guardian Hack: Yes, parents should be worried. Like how they used to be worried about paedophiles. That sold a lot of newspapers.
Hercule Poirot: Because this has happened before?
Jack Thorne: I don’t think so…
Stephen Graham: …
Jack Thorne: …
Stephen Graham: Sorry but who invited this French c*** anyway?
Hercule Poirot: Mais c’est c*** Belgian actuellement…
Personally - as a food writer - I think the only way we can raise boys who are guaranteed not to murder anyone is to bring them up vegan. That way they know that killing anything, let alone women, is wrong.
As an added bonus, it keeps them scrawny too, making them less appealing to paedophiles, so really is a win on every level.
Minestrone
I’ll probably suffix the above by admitting I have not yet watched Adolescence, but would like to if I ever had time. I am however more concerned with my boys growing up with poor eating habits than with murderous intent, the holistic medical man inside me believing most virtuous habits to lie downstream of the table.
For a period, I made minestrone every Monday, and would like to resume. This is one such template, and makes a well packed vehicle for getting in a week’s worth of vegetables in a single sitting. I always use dried beans so couldn’t comment on what to do if using tinned beans. Small pasta shapes (such as orzo, ditaloni, snapped spaghetti… ) can be cooked directly into it on some subsequent evening which gives you two dinners for the price of one.
Ingredients (serves 4)
250g dried beans (borlotti/cannelinni), soaked overnight
Soffrito: 1 carrot, 1 onion, 2 sticks celery, 2 garlic cloves (whole)
A potato of some size or another
Something green (chard, cabbage, cavolo nero, kale)
Extra virgin Olive oil
1/2 a tin of plum tomatoes
Drain then boil beans in water covering beans by an inch, with aromatics like rosemary and garlic cloves added, for about 1-2 hours until beans are very soft (you should be able to squish them between your fingers easily). Turn off heat and remove aromatics.
Cook the soffrito in a pool of olive oil (enough so that the ingredients are visibly cooking in oil). Either cook on medium heat stirring often for 15 minutes until the onions are golden, or cook on very low heat with a lid on for an hour, until it’s all beautifully soft and collapsed (my preferred method). Add peeled and roughly chopped potato and the tomatoes. Cook on medium heat uncovered until fat separates from tomatoes.
Blitz one third of the beans and add them with the whole beans and the cooking liquid to the pot. Salt to taste now (it will need quite a good deal). Once all boiling again, cook on low heat, add your washed green and cook until the green and potato is tender (note, minestrone greens should not be crisp or al dente, but thoroughly defeated, who wants a soup that shows resistance?). Adjust water level at end for desired consistency by either adding boiling water or reducing on raised heat. Serve with drizzle of olive oil, black pepper and some chilli flakes if you wish.