Cooking Oil Has Been Cancelled

Cooking oil has attracted the focus of public outrage this week after being purported to be deeply hydrophobic.

In a seemingly innocuous video on egg mayonnaise produced by a small Youtube food channel, an off-hand comment on the composition of emulsions revealed that cooking oils are “repelled” by water due to their “hydrophobic” nature.

The video went viral for unintended reasons, and has since been picked up by The New York Times, The Guardian and The Washington Post. When asked for a comment, Sam, who produced the video simply responded “I just wanted to show people how to make mayonnaise, I never expected this to happen.”

The head of Unicef tweeted to condemn “instagram obsessed foodies” who, while millions require access to clean water, continue to fund cooking products that hold openly antagonistic sentiments towards it. The Minister of Education in the UK has been quick to distance himself from cooking oils, and has issued the following public statement:

“As the head of a student body of over 8 million students whose student bodies consist of 80% water, I must repeat unequivocally - as I always have - that I maintain a pro-water stance”

The anti fossil fuel group Just Stop Oil has stated that cooking oils are also included in their remit of things to be stopped, while indeed claiming that they already of course were, and that’s what the whole can of soup thing on the painting was really all about.

There has been great individual upset too, though many have already long suspected foul-play. One commenter on the Youtube video stated “I always knew there was something wrong with rapeseed, it’s something in the name…” Others were hoping that this issue may only be confined to lesser oils such as sunflower and soybean, but the problem has been shown to go right to the top, affecting even even extra virgin olive oil.

Among the thousand comments on The Guardian, most readers are concerned with where they will holiday this year. The big question no-one is quite certain on yet asks “is it ok to holiday among olive groves in the mediterranean?” With camps firmly split between those who believe it’s ok (as long as you only eat whole olives, but avoid the oil), and those who think travel should be avoided at all cost as to not provide any further funding to the industry.

Standing against the hysteria, the Harvard biochemist Professor Von Schnitzelcrumm has claimed that this is all a big misunderstanding. He tweeted “Hydrophobic simply refers to any molecule that is non-polar and therefore not water-soluble. There is nothing innately prejudice about hydrophobic substances.”

He has since been called out as a stooge for what is now dubbed “Big Cooking Oil” and many worry this is only the tip of the iceberg, as we start to pull on the threads of systemic hydrophobia. Twitter has removed Von Schitzelcrumm’s account and he has received a suspension from Harvard. A recent poll of remaining scientists on Twitter has since confirmed what many suspected all along, where 90% agree that oil is consciously hateful of water.

Below we have shared the video that sparked it all. Be warned though, this is triggering content, and viewer discretion is advised.

PS. I hope you all enjoy the first Sam’s Good Stuff video, show support by liking, commenting or subscribing (or all three?). Your feedback is very valuable to me, so please also reply to me with any constructive criticism you may have (be gentle with my fragile ego please).